Tears stream down my face as I write. It’s an “ugly cry”. You know, the snot dangling from your nose, and broken capillaries around your eyes kind of ugly. But I don’t care because I’m a woman on a mission. I want the world to know. This is a message that I cannot keep to myself.
The number one concept/lesson I have learned so far (and there have been many, but more on that later) on my journey with stage four ovarian cancer is simple but profound. It’s a thought or more like a realization that continues to whisper to my conscious and subconscious mind like background music at the grocery store that lingers even after you’ve left. It’s a smoldering fire deep in my soul that will not be quenched.
God is worthy.
God is worthy of all my worship.
God is worthy of all my time.
God is worthy of all my devotion.
God is worthy of my everything.
He is worthy! He is worthy! He is worthy! Because He is holy, holy, holy.
He is love, He is peace, He is light, and He is grace. And without that grace I am nothing.
When I was curled on the bathroom floor from the jarring effects of chemotherapy—the Holy One, The Great I Am—kneeled down and met me there amidst my vomit and perspiration to hold me in His arms.
He sang over me when I could not sleep because of the roiling pain. He covered me when the demon of death prowled around my bed, seeking to destroy me. He lifted me when I could not walk. He breathed into my lungs when I gasped for air. His Word, His very presence has been my only defense.
I cannot not worship Him.
Every single morning that He has renewed my strength and given me joy over circumstances, is another day to give Him glory.
Let me be brutally honest. I told you the lesson is simple. I did not say it’s been easy. There’s been so much to grieve. Along with my health, I’ve lost my ability to concentrate for very long, and at times, my short-term memory. I’ve experienced some debilitating neuropathy and restless leg syndrome. I’ve lost my hair, my eyebrows, and eyelashes, my mobility, my strength, and my muscle mass. My confidence and dignity have also suffered.
Sporting my wig. Baldness from chemo.
Cancer is just evil.
So, yeah, there have been a few self-imposed pity parties complete with cake, hat, and streamers. I didn’t invite God to those parties. No, it was a solo event. Well, at least I thought it was, anyway. But I quickly realized the devil received an invitation the moment I shut out the Father.
Satan licked his lips and wrung his hands together as he sat down across from me and cut himself a big slab of pity cake while inviting his cohorts to join in as well. The unholy brood assaulted me with accusations, shame, and guilt. Oh, and let’s not forget the devil’s specialty: fear.
But God was there, too.
True to His promises, He remained with me even though I’d turned my back to Him. The Lord didn’t participate in the “festivities”. The cake of self-pity would not touch His lips. But He made His presence known by reminding me of His promises. I belong to Him, a daughter of the King of kings. There was a much grander party and inheritance in Heaven for me to look forward to. But not yet, for He’d also told me that I would not die, but live, and proclaim all He has done for me (Psalm 118:17).
Furthermore, He reminded me that nothing could separate me from Him—neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus my Lord (Romans 8:38-39).
Upon these magnificent reminders, I spit out the cake, tossed the party garb aside, and readjusted my armor. Satan and his demons continued to hurl their accusations at me as I left the table. I kneeled humbly at the feet of Jesus. With my spirit renewed, I rose and stood my ground—the shield of faith in one hand, the sword of the Spirit in the other.
“Get behind me, Satan. This party is over!”
Let me tell you, cancer is the devil. And who would have thought that I would be grateful for this trial? But I can honestly tell you, that I am thankful for the chains I have been freed from, and the lessons I’m continuing to learn. As I said, I will share more of those lessons in the future. Of course, I wish these things could have come another way, but quite frankly, I’m not sure the result would be the same. And who am I to question the ways of the Almighty?
So, you see, although there has been much loss on the journey, I would not trade what I have gained. My perspective has changed and I NEVER want to go back to the old me. Going back would be like a dog returning to its vomit. I pray God helps the old “pity party” me not to resurface—the one that mishandled His holiness. The me that put anything above the worship and knowledge of His unfathomable grace that I do not deserve. Oh, how I pray to move forward. Oh, how I pray to bring Him honor and glory.
Here and now, I cast aside the old me like a worn-out rag and put on the garment of praise forever because
HE IS WORTHY! HE IS WORTHY! HE IS WORTHY!
Much love,
I’d love to hear from you in the comments below! Pray requests welcome 🙂
Cancer Treatment Update: I’ve had four rounds of chemotherapy and I’m recovering from surgery done on July 7. The pathology shows that although the tumors removed shrunk a great deal, they are still cancerous. I will be doing another 2-4 rounds of chemotherapy. I start the next round on August 2. There is a 3-week break before I start round six. At this point, doctors will evaluate how I’m doing with bloodwork and scans to see if I need and can tolerate more chemotherapy.
I appreciate your prayers! I’m holding fast to God’s promises to me.
“Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard..” Isaiah 58:8
As you’ve cried, we cried. As you prayed, we prayed. As you fought valiantly, we fought for you. As you trusted, we trusted. As you praise, we praise. God’s blessings sweet “little sister in Christ.”
J.D., Your love and support have certainly lifted me up during this trial.
Thanks and blessings to you!
“Of course, I wish these things could have come another way, but quite frankly, I’m not sure the result would be the same. And who am I to question the ways of the Almighty?”
I needed to hear that tonight. Thank you Becky
Anne, I’m glad God used this post was encouraging. Thanks for taking the time to tell me.
Amazing journey and always expressed with so much grace. You are a true warrior Princess and His light shines so brightly through you. The way you honor Him through your words is such a blessing to others and sure puts things in perspective for me. I love snd miss you, Dear Friend.
Thanks so much, sweet Shari!
We praise God with you, Beckie for the grace to write this post and the courage you have taken from
Him to walk this journey.
Thank you, Marilyn. I appreciate all the love!
Beautiful daughter of the King and sister of mine…. Hugggggggggggg! How Your tender spirit chefs. God will use us for his glory. You know that already though. This was beautiful and I pray it points others to the one who is worthy! I love you sweet sister.
Kathie, I could not do this without the Father, my family, and dear ones like you.
Thank you, sweet sister!
Pray for you nightly. I’ve walked the cancer path too and I can imagine the pain. But you’re absolutely correct–He is always with you and He is enough. Love you, Beckie! Hugs!!!!
Deb,
I know you walked this cancer journey, too. You and many others are an inspiration and hope!
Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
Blessings to you and yours <3
Such a wise and beautiful message. Thank you so much for taking the courageous route and sharing with us.
Thank you, Eliza. God is bigger than cancer!
Oh, Beckie. I continue to pray for you regularly. I’ve had those “pity parties” lately, too and I keep hearing this still, small voice inside that says, “Abide in Me; Abide in Me.”
Mary, I have thought of you often. Thanks for your prayers and support. You have mine as well. Much love!
I continue to pray for you, Beckie, multiple times a day. God will never forsake you nor abandon you in your struggles. Your courage in Him shines brightly to all of us reading your words here. May you continue to grow, to learn, and most of all, to heal, dear sister!
Blessings!
Martha, I appreciate your friendship and prayers. I’ve been out of the loop lately, but was just updated about your mother. I’m so very sorry. You are in my prayers.
Dear Beckie,
You ARE bringing him honor and glory. Praise His holy name! Your words will stay with me as another reminder that HE is worthy (The song, “Worthy of It All,” has been playing over and over in my mind lately). And He is with you, giving you grace for each moment … strength for each day. Thank you for shining His light.
Much love to you in Christ ♡
Emily, Yes, He is worthy! Love that song, too. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.
Blessings to you and yours!
Oh sweet sister, what a journey the Father has called you walk with Him. Thank you for sharing with us each step of the way. I am so encouraged by your strength and the One who is behind it. Those pity parties…thrown a few myself. I thought I was alone at those but now I realize, I was not. I’m here with you sweet friend every step of the way! Love you💜
Wendy, I’m honored to call you friend. Thanks for walking this with me. I’m glad God used this post to show you who joins us in our silly pity parties.
Love and blessings to you and yours, dear friend!
Great post. You are a hero.
Thanks, David. I couldn’t imagine walking this without God, my family, and friends.
Blessings!
Beckie,
Your transparent vulnerability is so encouraging as you walk this brutal road. Thank you for sharing and always encouraging us to look to Jesus.
Kim, Thanks for your prayers and support. I’m so glad God used this post to bring encouragement.
Thank you, Beckie, for letting us into your lion’s den as you faithfully abide in the Shadow of the Almighty. I love your fight and your strength that only comes from someone who spends time in His presence. This statement you made humbles me: “So, you see, although there has been much loss on the journey, I would not trade what I have gained.” Bill once made this statement. Only those who have walked through the fire, and found out who Jesus really is can say this. I can’t wait to hear more about this part of your journey in later blogs. You are amazing! I will continue to pray for you and your family. Rest in Him.
Mary, I’m so humbled by Bill’s unshakable hope. Many times throughout this journey, I have thought about him and felt empowered to carry on. Of course, I know God was the source of his strength!
Thank you for taking time to share. It was a real blessings to hear from you.
I don’t know you personally, but I have been aware of your situation. Thank you for the strength and courage to write. I do think about you, and you have my prayers.
Thank you, Barbara. That means so much.
Blessings to you and yours!
Beckie you are shining a light. I read a quote from Tozer the other day, “God can not use greatly the man who has not been wounded deeply.” I believe you are being used greatly and will continue to be.
Loretta, thanks for sharing that powerful quote. I love Tozer!
Blessings to you and yours!
This hymn says it better than me.
God will take care of you,
Through ev’ry day,
O’er all the way;
He will take care of you,
God will take care of you.
2 Through days of toil when heart does fail,
God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce your path assail,
God will take care of you.
Nellie, What a beautiful hymn. I’ve found much comfort in the hymns I grew up with.
Thank you for sharing.
Blessings to you and yours!
Hugs and blessings to you as well, dear Becky
Oh Beckie, As I read your current update I stand in amazement in your willingness and openness to share your good and not so good points along the journey. I have to admit that when I put myself in your shoes I know I would probably have shut down and bit my nails in the corner as anxiety would have severely engulfed me. You have allowed me to see what true endurance looks like and how much more I need to trust God with my life. When life gets real and raw we see what we are made of. Dear precious lady, you would be one I would draw strength from. Like a warrior that modeled excellence in the arena I say “Lord, teach me to walk with better courage like Beckie. I pray for your complete recovery and for continued mental resiliency. So much you have endured but know that your greater anointing will flow from the depths of your trial. May peace surround you and may you get visions and dreams on what God has in store for you in the future. We are on your cheer corner and await the final punch you will give the enemy as you stand victoriously healed in Jesus name.😘😘🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🙏🙏🙏🙏🙌🙌
Valerie,
I’m so appreciative of your continued encouragement and prayers, my sweet friend. I’ve got on my armor and secure it each morning as I praise the Lord for another day to serve Him.
May the Lord bless your writing that you so faithfully post on Facebook. I have been touch many, many times by your wisdom.
Blessings!
Continuing to pray for you Beckie.
Melissa,
Thanks so much! <3
Oh, Beckie, praising the Lord with you as He has been so faithful to you on this journey. As we knew He would be, because He’s a good, good Father worthy of all praise and glory and honor forever and ever! And in agreement with you that the enemy’s party and celebration is over while yours is just beginning! Love and hugs!
Karen, Yes! God is so good and worthy of our all. Thank you for your continued prayers and kindness, my friend.
Blessings to you and yours!
Your faith is truly an inspiration. As Ann’s sister, I have seen your dad struggle with your illness as he has watched your walk through this battle. God will continue to bless you as you bless others.
Betty Sue,
Thanks so much for your prayers. I hate that my daddy has experienced so much loss. But I know our God is His comfort just like He is mine, too.
Blessings and hugs!
Dear Beckie, thank you for sharing your experiences both good and bad. Your unshakable faith has certainly inspired me as I have followed your journey. We certainly worship a God of mercy, grace, forgiveness, and healing. My sister, Martha was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I pray that God will touch her with His healing hands and bring her peace. I will continue to pray for you and thanks so much for sharing. I will be sharing your story with others. In Christ, Becky Pickard
Becky,
I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. Praying for wisdom for the doctors, complete healing, and the peace that surpasses all underderstanding.
Thank you for your prayers and kind words. I hope this post points to Jesus as you share.
Blessings to you and yours!
Your words do what Solomon said they have the power to do, Beckie. They go down into the deepest parts of us. They are both awful and glorious at the same time, and it’s a combination we don’t generally want to be forced to experience together. The awful ones fit when we’re throwing our own little pity parties, and the glorious ones belong to those moments when we’ve been blessed and find ourselves in a mood to praise Him. None of us wants to learn what you’ve learned the way you’ve had to learn it. We’d rather try to piece the lessons together a little at a time through you. You’ve been a blessing to so many of us in ways that didn’t demand the unavoidable heartache and tears, but the love you’ve sown in our hearts with happier words compels us to lose ourselves and our preferences in these deeper places you’ve invited us into. If possible, we love and appreciate you even more now, and we strive to grasp the unfettered faith and hope that emanates from you in the midst of all this. Thank you for generating the courage and determination to share yourself with us in ways that few ever do. Our love is multiplied, our faith is reinforced, our prayers are more deeply personal, and God is honored in fresh new ways–Thank you.
Ron, I’m so glad to hear from you, my friend. You blessed me beyond words…again!
Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.
Blessings to you and yours!
You have etched a place in our hearts, Beckie, and we’ve been adding our faith to yours since this trial began. Thanks for the things you gather the strength to write— including this sweet note.
Beckie, I’m just reading this for the first and so grateful to God for providing those who listen and obey. I am just starting into this journey and it came VERY RAPIDLY. Going in at the beginning of this month and starting Chemo on 2/7. I don’t look forward to the treatments, but do look forward to seeing God work in this process. Our God is bigger than this junk inside me. I will fight, I will fight with alongside all the prayer warriors God has surrounding me with. Thank-you for sharing, thank-you for using your gift to inspire others. Blessings to you dear sister
Mechelle, I am praying for you! I’m blessed to know that God use these words to encourage you.
Like everything from you in this horrific ordeal, this is another gripping and compelling invitation to join you in it, but it’s more than that, obviously. The word “compassion” has been defined as “to suffer together with” and you have inspired that in all of us who have loved you through it. But your story does more than draw us into the suffering, it draws us into the outcome, which is what both you and the One who walked you through it wanted. You continue to be one of those unforgettable friends whose life and light have left indelible prints on our heart. May God continue to bless and multiply the fruit of His work in you.