Tears stream down my face as I write. It’s an “ugly cry”. You know, the snot dangling from your nose, and broken capillaries around your eyes kind of ugly. But I don’t care because I’m a woman on a mission. I want the world to know. This is a message that I cannot keep to myself.
The number one concept/lesson I have learned so far (and there have been many, but more on that later) on my journey with stage four ovarian cancer is simple but profound. It’s a thought or more like a realization that continues to whisper to my conscious and subconscious mind like background music at the grocery store that lingers even after you’ve left. It’s a smoldering fire deep in my soul that will not be quenched.
God is worthy.
God is worthy of all my worship.
God is worthy of all my time.
God is worthy of all my devotion.
God is worthy of my everything.
He is worthy! He is worthy! He is worthy! Because He is holy, holy, holy.
He is love, He is peace, He is light, and He is grace. And without that grace I am nothing.
When I was curled on the bathroom floor from the jarring effects of chemotherapy—the Holy One, The Great I Am—kneeled down and met me there amidst my vomit and perspiration to hold me in His arms.
He sang over me when I could not sleep because of the roiling pain. He covered me when the demon of death prowled around my bed, seeking to destroy me. He lifted me when I could not walk. He breathed into my lungs when I gasped for air. His Word, His very presence has been my only defense.
I cannot not worship Him.
Every single morning that He has renewed my strength and given me joy over circumstances, is another day to give Him glory.
Let me be brutally honest. I told you the lesson is simple. I did not say it’s been easy. There’s been so much to grieve. Along with my health, I’ve lost my ability to concentrate for very long, and at times, my short-term memory. I’ve experienced some debilitating neuropathy and restless leg syndrome. I’ve lost my hair, my eyebrows, and eyelashes, my mobility, my strength, and my muscle mass. My confidence and dignity have also suffered.
Cancer is just evil.
So, yeah, there have been a few self-imposed pity parties complete with cake, hat, and streamers. I didn’t invite God to those parties. No, it was a solo event. Well, at least I thought it was, anyway. But I quickly realized the devil received an invitation the moment I shut out the Father.
Satan licked his lips and wrung his hands together as he sat down across from me and cut himself a big slab of pity cake while inviting his cohorts to join in as well. The unholy brood assaulted me with accusations, shame, and guilt. Oh, and let’s not forget the devil’s specialty: fear.
But God was there, too.
True to His promises, He remained with me even though I’d turned my back to Him. The Lord didn’t participate in the “festivities”. The cake of self-pity would not touch His lips. But He made His presence known by reminding me of His promises. I belong to Him, a daughter of the King of kings. There was a much grander party and inheritance in Heaven for me to look forward to. But not yet, for He’d also told me that I would not die, but live, and proclaim all He has done for me (Psalm 118:17).
Furthermore, He reminded me that nothing could separate me from Him—neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus my Lord (Romans 8:38-39).
Upon these magnificent reminders, I spit out the cake, tossed the party garb aside, and readjusted my armor. Satan and his demons continued to hurl their accusations at me as I left the table. I kneeled humbly at the feet of Jesus. With my spirit renewed, I rose and stood my ground—the shield of faith in one hand, the sword of the Spirit in the other.
“Get behind me, Satan. This party is over!”
Let me tell you, cancer is the devil. And who would have thought that I would be grateful for this trial? But I can honestly tell you, that I am thankful for the chains I have been freed from, and the lessons I’m continuing to learn. As I said, I will share more of those lessons in the future. Of course, I wish these things could have come another way, but quite frankly, I’m not sure the result would be the same. And who am I to question the ways of the Almighty?
So, you see, although there has been much loss on the journey, I would not trade what I have gained. My perspective has changed and I NEVER want to go back to the old me. Going back would be like a dog returning to its vomit. I pray God helps the old “pity party” me not to resurface—the one that mishandled His holiness. The me that put anything above the worship and knowledge of His unfathomable grace that I do not deserve. Oh, how I pray to move forward. Oh, how I pray to bring Him honor and glory.
Here and now, I cast aside the old me like a worn-out rag and put on the garment of praise forever because
HE IS WORTHY! HE IS WORTHY! HE IS WORTHY!
I’d love to hear from you in the comments below! Pray requests welcome 🙂
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Cancer Treatment Update: I’ve had four rounds of chemotherapy and I’m recovering from surgery done on July 7. The pathology shows that although the tumors removed shrunk a great deal, they are still cancerous. I will be doing another 2-4 rounds of chemotherapy. I start the next round on August 2. There is a 3-week break before I start round six. At this point, doctors will evaluate how I’m doing with bloodwork and scans to see if I need and can tolerate more chemotherapy.
I appreciate your prayers! I’m holding fast to God’s promises to me.
“Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard..” Isaiah 58:8